Jokes

[boogielee]

The pilot was the father of my son's friend

[SHY]

The lady next door came to my door asking if I knew anything about her washing missing off her clothes line... I almost sh!t her pants!

[Punkbabe]

A teenager is

... a person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

... a weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

... a youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

... Some one who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

... a whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

... a student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.

.... a connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.

... an enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

... a young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

.... a romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

... a budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

... a boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

... an original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager

[Hermit]

I thought this thread is for the telling of jokes.

[SHY]

So why a picture Hermit, you don't think what others find funny are worthy and you post a silly picture. You're never happy hermit!

I liked it Punkbabe, typical all of them of teen agers.

[SHY]

Gee you guessed it Hermit a good start, it is and if you don't like peoples jokes what makes you think a picture is funny. Honestly Hermit you can't help yourself being a pain.

I liked it Punkbabe, typical things about teenagers that I found funny.

[SHY]

EVE ' S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve...

' So, how is everything going? ' inquired God.

' It is all so beautiful, God, ' she replied. ' The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me.
The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They ' re a real pain. '

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ' symmetrically balanced ' .

' That ' s a fair point, ' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away. '

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation? '

' Just fantastic, ' she replied, ' But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. '

God thought for a moment and said, ' You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see......where did I put that useless Tit? '

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

[Hermit]

Much better than your previous contribution.

Are you about to marry a useless tit then?

[SHY]

After many years of married life, a man finds that he is no longer able to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the
psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." And he refers the man to a Cajun wi tch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says,
"This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned: after that, it will not work again for another
year!"
The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and eager to surprise his wife. He can't wait to go to bed. They get in bed and he says, "123", and just like magic, he gets an
erection.

His wife rolls over and says, "What did you say '123'for?"

[SHY]

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar..
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 to anyone who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

[Punkbabe]

Man is a woman's best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do,

to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions
and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
No!!.... wait!!...... sorry...... I'm thinking of Vodka........

Its Vodka that does all that.........

Sorry. :P

[Punkbabe]

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11.

Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?''

''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''

The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''

''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

[Punkbabe]

Dennis was down at the local police station wanting to talk to the burglar who'd broken in his house the night before.

The desk sergeant was adamant. "No. You'll get your chance in court, sir."

"No, no, you don't understand," Dennis said. "I want to know how the hell he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

[SHY]

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but please leave your message after you hear the beep.

beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, press 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre, start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

[SHY]

I’m starting to take this drink driving business seriously.
Left my car at the club last night & took the bus home.
Quite proud of myself really.
Never driven a bus before

[chelanxar]

Have you heard of the new Aussie sunblock called the Irwin? Personally I think it sucks... doesn't protect against any harmful Rays...

[chelanxar]

Chang is the most popular Chinese surname. Correct me if you think that's wong

[chelanxar]

I was really looking forward to the prospect of a new Whitney Houston album this year!

But I guess that ideas dead in the water.

[chelanxar]

what is the definition of "endless love"? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Also 'tis better to have loved a short woman, than never to have loved a tall

[boogielee]

I bought a pair of Meatloaf panties on line yesterday.The front says "I would do anything for Love" and on the back it says "But i won't do THAT"