Jokes

[speedie]

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:




The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework
tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You
will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The
partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person
will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to
re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you
wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree
a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em
out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what
am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels!"

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

(Gary)

Bitch

(Rebecca)

F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one

and so did I....

[speedie]

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

[luther]

----- A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland , Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen Glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"


"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.


"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."


"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN sh*t! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT sh*t IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"


and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --

pmsl! That was brilliant. It reminds me of home, expect for the beer, chilled glasses and hors d'oeuvres...

[linton]

The perfect solution when the missus' hits you with the 'We never do anything together' rant.

[BiggyRat]

The perfect solution when the missus' hits you with the 'We never do anything together' rant.

Yeah, but it still wouldn't settle the "Why don't you close the lid" issue

[SHY]

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,

"Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of
your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the
next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says

"Hi, my name is Tony and I'm driving a f**king gritter!"

[SHY]

You know the world has changed when:

The best rapper is a white guy,

The best golfer is a black guy,

The tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,

The Swiss hold the America’s Cup,

France is accusing the US of arrogance,

Germany doesn't want to go to war,

… and …

The Prime Minister of Australia is flanked by two senior ministers whose names are Abbott and Costello!

[SHY]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The woman says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[BiggyRat]

After posting a quote in the Cricket thread, I thought I'd put some more in here. For any cricket fans out there, here is some classic sledging.


Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
1. When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the
wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been
waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you
spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes:
After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler
politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?" "Cos every time I
f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes replied.

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played &
missed: "You can't f**king bat".
Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary:
"Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f**king bat & you can't f**king
bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A
few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called
out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to
Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my
island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just
bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to
the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k *ff."

7. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock:
After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock
told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces." Unfortunately
for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground..

Ponting to Pollock: "you know what it looks like, now go find it."

8. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary
comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna
Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one
dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight,
unfit, fat c**t!!!"

9. Can't remember the player or the exact details but went something
like Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player to the crease
playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I remember you from a
couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you're f**king
useless now". Kiwi - (Turning around)

"Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. You dumb c**t".

[EMCWheels]

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

The sun doesn't actually rise or set. Chuck Norris simply claps twice.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon. You do the math.

Chuck Norris cloned himself just to see if he could kick his own ass. The result was the second ice age.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

Chuck Norris once slept with an under aged 15 year old girl. He was three at the time.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the F*@& down.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will F*@& you up.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge-ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honour of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he roundhouse kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

[popeye]

NEW TAFE COURSES FOR WOMEN

FIRST IN, BEST DRESSED!

ENROLMENTS CLOSE END OF MAY 2006!!



Many women think that they already know everything, but wait new

training courses are now available in 2006 for women on the following

subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier : Where No Women Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking : Making Deposits

3. Parties : Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management : Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I : Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II : His Razor Is His

7. Communication Skills I : Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III : Getting what you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a car Safely : A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills : How To Hang Up

12. Introduction To Parking

13. Advanced Parking : Backing into a Space

14. Water Retention : Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I : Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II : Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III : How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments : Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS :Your Problem ......... Not His

20. Dancing : Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing : Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust : A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry : Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Petrol: your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes : For Men Only

26. Getting Ready to go out : Start the day before

[BiggyRat]

NEW TAFE COURSES FOR WOMEN

FIRST IN, BEST DRESSED!

ENROLMENTS CLOSE END OF MAY 2006!!



Many women think that they already know everything, but wait new

training courses are now available in 2006 for women on the following

subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier : Where No Women Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking : Making Deposits

3. Parties : Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management : Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I : Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II : His Razor Is His

7. Communication Skills I : Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III : Getting what you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a car Safely : A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills : How To Hang Up

12. Introduction To Parking

13. Advanced Parking : Backing into a Space

14. Water Retention : Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I : Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II : Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III : How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments : Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS :Your Problem ......... Not His

20. Dancing : Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing : Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust : A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry : Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Petrol: your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes : For Men Only

26. Getting Ready to go out : Start the day before

These are in the JOKES thread? I thought it was a guide book

[dr_zoidberg]

Chuck Norris...

You missed one:

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

That's the best one I reckon.

[EMCWheels]

You missed one:

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

That's the best one I reckon.

Are you sure he didn't roundhouse kick the bullets?

[EMCWheels]

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says: "Hey, Koala! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint. Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

The koala looks down at him and says: "Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Now I know where Lizard Drinkin got his name from!

[SHY]

Good one Wheels I loved it. LOL

[Lazyfluck]

Defination of the bravest man in the world

comes home drunk
smelling of perfume
covered in lipstick
smacks his wife on the backside, and says whooooo fatty your next.

[SHY]

Defination of the bravest man in the world

comes home drunk
smelling of perfume
covered in lipstick
smacks his wife on the backside, and says whooooo fatty your next.

roflmfao A guy like that must have a death wish.

[Lazyfluck]

man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while the wife is in bed reading,"this is the pig i have sex with when you have a headache"says the man. "i think you will find thats a sheep" replies women."think you find i was talking to the sheep " replies man

[aRnsEv]

To liars were chatting to each other.
"Hey man, i jumped from the roof of one building to another"
"YEAH I KNOW! I SAW YOU DO IT!"