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Thread: Jokes

  1. #41
    whizzfizz's Avatar
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    There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they areprepared to give him a chance to shine again.

    The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

    The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

    Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

    The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

    "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

    The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

    "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

  2. #42
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    You have far too much time on your hands bro.

  3. #43
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    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him,resting on the seventh day.

    He inquired of God, "Where have you been dude?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Mick, look what I've made."-

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

    "It's a planet,- replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance"

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.

    "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries.

    "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice"

    The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass In the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

    "Ah" said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, stream and an exquisite coast-line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable football players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then "You said there will be BALANCE!"

    God replied wisely.






    "Wait until you see the ugly, whingeing, sheep rooting, Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them".

  4. #44
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    I'm pretty sure the one on the right is Whizzfizz

  5. #45
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    lol
    love the cartoon
    that is just so true to life!!!!!!

  6. #46
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    An irishman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the irishman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the irishman assures the pharmacist that he has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

    "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the irishman "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the irishman, "I will go and get it." He returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to him, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

    The annoyed irishman snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

  7. #47
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    since we are picking on the irish.. heres another

    An Irishman, Englishman and an Aussie were caught in the war by the Germans. They were sentenced to 20000 lashes, but the General German was a nice bloke and allowed them to have something on their back to soothe the pain.

    The Irishman volunteered to go first, the General asked him what he would like on his back "Ay" he said, "I'll ave some Irish Whiskey". So the Germans rubbed some Irish Whiskey on his back and whipped him.

    The English man was next and the Germans asked him what he would like on his back "English Whiskey" came the reply and the Germans rubbed the English on his back and whipped him.

    It was the Aussies turn next and the Germans asked him what he would like on his back to sooth the pain the Aussie turned around and said "I'll have the Irishman".

  8. #48
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    A penguin was driving to philip island to visit his family ( the car was an auto cause it`s hard for him to change gears ) as he was going over the bridge his car starts backfiring and the craps itself,
    he rolls down the other side and sees a garage and rolls it in. He
    goes in, and the mechanic comes out looks over the counter and says "can l help you" the penguin replies "my car sh*t itself comming over the bridge" the mechanic told him he was flat out
    it would take about an hour before he could see it, but there was
    shops and a park over the road if he wanted to wait. About an hour later the penguin came back, the mechanic came back out
    looked over the counter and said to the penguin "looks like
    you`ve blown a seal" at that the penguin wiped his mouth
    furiously and says "no l`ve just had an icecream"...

  9. #49
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    Ok watcher how come I get in trouble for saying penis in a joke but all these boys can tell jokes like this!!!! Im sulking!!!!!!!
    Radiators Rock

  10. #50
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    Houndsoflove,
    This may be your answer.

    Just a thought for all the women out there.

    MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause,
    GUYnocologist (poetic spelling).

    Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

  11. #51
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    Originally posted by myst88
    Houndsoflove,
    This may be your answer.

    Just a thought for all the women out there.

    MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause,
    GUYnocologist (poetic spelling).

    Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
    That's because we rule.

  12. #52
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    Originally posted by HoundsOfLove
    Ok watcher how come I get in trouble for saying penis in a joke but all these boys can tell jokes like this!!!! Im sulking!!!!!!!
    LOL You are such a girl!
    Seriously though.... My comment back then, was for everyone and just happened to be after your message.

    The Penguin joke was very borderline, so please don't go too far folks.

    Regards,

  13. #53
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    Originally posted by Watcher
    LOL You are such a girl!
    ,

    Hold on let me check........................yes I am.
    Radiators Rock

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    I hate to sound contrary but I've found Irishmen to be exceptionally brilliant and wonderful in many aspects!

  15. #55
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    actually i think your right dood..
    if im not mistaken... a lot of puter software is written in Ireland

    im getting my apartment painted by an irishman, he's a client of ours... bloody funny bugger

  16. #56
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    oops sorry mr watcher....

    well don`t think l`ll tell the priest and the pimple one then...

  17. #57
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    A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

    "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

    "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

    Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

  18. #58
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    There was this bloke who bought an old house and begun to renovate the place. He broke open a secret cupboard beneath the stairs and found a skeleton.








    It was the 1936 Irish hide and seek champion.

  19. #59
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    Someone shot him pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee
    Radiators Rock

  20. #60
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    Originally posted by HoundsOfLove
    Someone shot him pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee

    awwww how mean is that, since you responded ya must have liked it.

    Im sure you will like this next one

    had to change it a fair bit to make it suitable for this site
    *hides from watcher*

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