Jokes

[Leroy Peterson]

incase you didnt see the joke in the shoutbox:

what kind of bee produces milk?

boobees

[chelanxar]

incase you didnt see the joke in the shoutbox:

what kind of bee produces milk?

boobees

And you said my jokes were bad????

[chelanxar]

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip,
this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.
Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy
onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his
pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30
minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking
and quivering.

'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew?
'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man.
Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and
shaking again..
'Are you sure you're alright sir?'
'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make.
I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring
a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.'
'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?'
'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'

[Leroy Peterson]

And you said my jokes were bad????

stick that in your pipe and smoke it

[chelanxar]

Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

[chelanxar]

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

[chelanxar]

University courses for men and women
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

[BiggyRat]

Oldie, but goodie...


Dear People of Australia ,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
Economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
Workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
Will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
For the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
Deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government..

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
Has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should
You feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the
Attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Kevin Rudd
Canberra

[chelanxar]

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let
me be yours?

Gloria

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no
feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you
let me be?

Yours,
Gloria

[Elc]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
>
> After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
>
> The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
>
> The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
>
> The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
>
> The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that..
>
> The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
>
> 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
>
> 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
>
> That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
>
> The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square
>
> The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
>
> The president was happy to oblige.
>
> The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
>
> The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
> 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[ssar]

Just had one of those charity collectors at the door.
She was collecting for the sperm bank.
Boy did i give her a mouth full.

[chelanxar]

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store,
slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her
dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,
"Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

[chelanxar]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.


"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the

reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and

when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to
manage as best she could."

[chelanxar]

you know you're only encouraging me right??

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT.


IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR .


IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.


IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.


IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.


IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.


IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.


IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.


IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:

A JOB,
A DRIVERS LICENSE,
SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS ,
CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION,
FREE HEALTH CARE,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRYS FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DONT GET ENOUGH RESPECT
AND YOU CAN VOTE DEMOCRAT.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…

[chelanxar]

Husband says to his wife, do you fancy playing a rape game?
Wife says, NO. Husband replies, that's the spirit!

[chelanxar]

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled, “F**k me!!”
….what happened next, will haunt me forever!!

[chelanxar]

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love
me Anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as
husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P. S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when
you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind
was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment .
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job
and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were
gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[boogielee]

A prostitute was at the doctors.He said "congratulations, you're pregnant. Do you know who the father is?" The prostitute replies, "if you ate a tin of baked beans, would you know which one made you fart?'

[chelanxar]

a prostitute was at the doctors.he said "congratulations, you're pregnant. Do you know who the father is?" the prostitute replies, "if you ate a tin of baked beans, would you know which one made you fart?'

lol!

[chelanxar]

Politically Correct

Little Red Riding Hood



There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have
thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,
although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and
mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn
to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all
womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending
a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a
feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples
would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what
was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and
chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture
of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but
I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society,
the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely
valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to
linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's
house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of
his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your
role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't
give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction
appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed
Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see
her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You
must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let
you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own
abilities,
which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college
entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This
is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding
Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his
firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"