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Thread: Jokes

  1. #101

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    Blonde jokes, aye. Let's see...


    A blonde decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before -- rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

    She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

    The blonde says, "I just rented an adult movie from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static."

    The store clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

    The blonde says, "It's called Head Cleaner."
    I wish I had a dollar for everytime I put my two cents worth because then I'd be $0.98 richer...

  2. #102

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    Thank you sir, may I have another!

    A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

    "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

    "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."

    “Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

    "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

    "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
    Last edited by layeggs; 16-11-2002 at 08:00 PM.
    I wish I had a dollar for everytime I put my two cents worth because then I'd be $0.98 richer...

  3. #103

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    Here's one we can all relate to...

    A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

    She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
    I wish I had a dollar for everytime I put my two cents worth because then I'd be $0.98 richer...

  4. #104

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    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" he asked.

    "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

    "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

  5. #105

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    What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant?




    Are you sure it's mine?

  6. #106
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    The one you have been waiting for... the MONK JOKE!!!!

    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

    Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

    The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

    The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

    The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

    The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

    The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

    He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

    Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

    The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.





    But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!

  7. #107
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    Re: The one you have been waiting for... the MONK JOKE!!!!

    Originally posted by whizzfizz
    But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!
    Yes I am. You may tell me now, Father Whizzfizz.

  8. #108

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    Re: The one you have been waiting for... the MONK JOKE!!!!

    Originally posted by whizzfizz
    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

    Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

    The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

    The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

    The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

    The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

    The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

    He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

    Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

    The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.





    But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!
    Cool.. I'm glad this version is shorter than the one my mate would do. He stretched it out near on 10 mins....

  9. #109
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    OK LETS SHOOT BOTH WHIZZY AND ORKO AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
    I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER NOT TO GO INTO THIS THREAD.
    Radiators Rock

  10. #110

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    A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man says "I've just come in my pants

  11. #111
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    hehehe just face it hounster ya cant keep away from it... you love it!!


    Originally posted by HoundsOfLove
    OK LETS SHOOT BOTH WHIZZY AND ORKO AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
    I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER NOT TO GO INTO THIS THREAD.

  12. #112
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    There was a farmer who was very protective of his daughters. Before every date, he would meet the young man at the porch with his shotgun, and if he didn't measure up, he'd make sure they left.

    One day all three of his daughters were going out on the same night. The first young man drove up and approached the porch.

    Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go? The farmer liked this guy, and let him leave with his daughter.

    Shortly, the next guy drove up and approached the porch. Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready? The farmer liked this guy too, and let him leave with his second daughter.

    Soon the third guy drove up and approached the porch.

    Hi, my name is Chuck and the farmer shot him...

  13. #113
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    Originally posted by orko
    ...The man says "I've just come in my pants
    Hears the drum bash: Boom Boom Tish!

    LOL

  14. #114
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    A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

    The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

    The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a hooker?!''

    The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

  15. #115

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    *groan*

    Snoogans!

  16. #116
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    Originally posted by Sauceman
    *groan*

    The defeated cry of a bus driver.

  17. #117

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    Originally posted by whizzfizz
    A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

    The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

    The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a hooker?!''

    The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
    Brilliant... I nearly wet myself

  18. #118
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    Originally posted by orko
    Brilliant... I nearly wet myself
    And Orko was that little boy.....

  19. #119
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    Folks, just a reminder to not get too carried away with the content of your jokes.
    I've had to delete a couple which isn't too bad considering that we're up to page 8.

    Just a friendly reminder. That's all.
    Thanks.

  20. #120
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    Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says,
    "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"
    The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."
    The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

    The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

    As the second guy is leaving, he warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

    "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside, he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."
    The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"



    The applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
    Last edited by whizzfizz; 20-11-2002 at 12:00 AM.

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